Karin and I went to 3rd service today. I've been to 2 or 3 of these. This was her first. She turned to me last night, and gave me one of those looks. You know the kind someone gives you and you know you're going to agree to whatever they say. All she wanted was to sleep in this morning and have breakfast with me. How do you say no to that? Why would you say no to that? Anyway, we had a great morning.
Steve was preaching about passions or ambitions, and chasing after the good ones. He preached about his passion to raise leaders from Matthew 4, 5, 10, 15, 16, 28, and 1 & 2 Timothy. It was a good sermon. (they usually are w/ Trike.) It wasn't really anything he said, however, that got me going. Rather, I had been thinking about something Karin said to me right before we walked into the sanctuary. That got me going on any number of issues I've been wrestling with lately. So, I started to pray. There have been plenty of times lately that I've felt very "religious" in prayer, not truly believing that God is going to answer, but that it was therapeutic in some way to vent. But, this time, I knew that God was listening. I knew that He cared. I prayed for God's wisdom and guidance for me and my family. I prayed for a renewed commitment to His Word. I prayed and prayed, and then it felt like I was beginning to uncover something ugly. I was unearthing my worst fear, that I was not an authentic person.
I have spent my entire remembered life an unauthentic person. (This is not one of those self-deprecating blogs, I promise.) I have tried and tried to please, or be something I wasn't so people like Dan Ferrar, and Billy Johnson would like me. We all do it to some extent, seek approval of those we see as "cool" or "hip" or "whatever". (This is one of those, "If I could know then what I know now..." moments where I have a better idea of what I was losing to try and gain something that could never satisfy.) Anyway... I gave my life to Christ just over 3 years ago, (woo, woo!) I remember being freed from the burdens I had carried for 30+ years of trying to be someone or something I'm not. I was through with that crap! Or so I thought. It hit me tonight that I may not be who I think I am.
I am now a young guy who is passionately seeking to follow Christ, and wants to pastor a church. I started to think about what that meant, to "passionately" follow Christ. I realized that I don't always "do" what a passionate follower would "do" and I started to feel like crap. Here I am trying to mentor and disciple fellas, and am I not who I say I am? I know what the Bible says about false teachers. Thanks, but no thanks! I want to be authentic.
God is good. God is a loving, graceful God. I know that my faith in Him is authentic. I may not spend the time in His Word that I should. There may be times when I am not believing my prayers will be answered. That doesn't make my faith less authentic. It makes me a doorknob, not unauthentic. It means I am believing lies instead of truth. It means I am placing my hope in things of this world, not in Him who made me.
Psalm 62 tells me that God is my rock and my salvation. My soul can and does find rest in Him alone. If you happen to be the one person who reads this, and you happen to see me, ask me if I'm being authentic, please? I appreciate it... Just know that I may ask you the same thing.
