Authenticity

Karin and I went to 3rd service today. I've been to 2 or 3 of these. This was her first. She turned to me last night, and gave me one of those looks. You know the kind someone gives you and you know you're going to agree to whatever they say. All she wanted was to sleep in this morning and have breakfast with me. How do you say no to that? Why would you say no to that? Anyway, we had a great morning.

Steve was preaching about passions or ambitions, and chasing after the good ones. He preached about his passion to raise leaders from Matthew 4, 5, 10, 15, 16, 28, and 1 & 2 Timothy. It was a good sermon. (they usually are w/ Trike.) It wasn't really anything he said, however, that got me going. Rather, I had been thinking about something Karin said to me right before we walked into the sanctuary. That got me going on any number of issues I've been wrestling with lately. So, I started to pray. There have been plenty of times lately that I've felt very "religious" in prayer, not truly believing that God is going to answer, but that it was therapeutic in some way to vent. But, this time, I knew that God was listening. I knew that He cared. I prayed for God's wisdom and guidance for me and my family. I prayed for a renewed commitment to His Word. I prayed and prayed, and then it felt like I was beginning to uncover something ugly. I was unearthing my worst fear, that I was not an authentic person.

I have spent my entire remembered life an unauthentic person. (This is not one of those self-deprecating blogs, I promise.) I have tried and tried to please, or be something I wasn't so people like Dan Ferrar, and Billy Johnson would like me. We all do it to some extent, seek approval of those we see as "cool" or "hip" or "whatever". (This is one of those, "If I could know then what I know now..." moments where I have a better idea of what I was losing to try and gain something that could never satisfy.) Anyway... I gave my life to Christ just over 3 years ago, (woo, woo!) I remember being freed from the burdens I had carried for 30+ years of trying to be someone or something I'm not. I was through with that crap! Or so I thought. It hit me tonight that I may not be who I think I am.

I am now a young guy who is passionately seeking to follow Christ, and wants to pastor a church. I started to think about what that meant, to "passionately" follow Christ. I realized that I don't always "do" what a passionate follower would "do" and I started to feel like crap. Here I am trying to mentor and disciple fellas, and am I not who I say I am? I know what the Bible says about false teachers. Thanks, but no thanks! I want to be authentic.

God is good. God is a loving, graceful God. I know that my faith in Him is authentic. I may not spend the time in His Word that I should. There may be times when I am not believing my prayers will be answered. That doesn't make my faith less authentic. It makes me a doorknob, not unauthentic. It means I am believing lies instead of truth. It means I am placing my hope in things of this world, not in Him who made me.

Psalm 62 tells me that God is my rock and my salvation. My soul can and does find rest in Him alone. If you happen to be the one person who reads this, and you happen to see me, ask me if I'm being authentic, please? I appreciate it... Just know that I may ask you the same thing.

New Years...

First off - Happy new year to everyone. I pray that your hearts are more open this year than ever before to who God is, and the wonders of His love. God is so infinitely spectacular, and my pea-sized brain is blown away when I try to fathom His greatness.

Every new year brings new hopes and dreams. We all think of what has happened over the past year and consider the possibilities of the year ahead. Often times we think about how we're going to exercise more, eat better, or watch less TV. And, often times by week 3 or 4 of the new year we're either laughing or feeling badly about how we couldn't make those commitments last. For me, this year brings 2 challenges. One is the condition of my body. I have gotten into such a rut of eating unhealthy foods coupled with a great lack of any physical activity. I swore just after Christmas that I was going to do something (for real this time) about this. Well, I'm not even one week into the year and I've already gone through my "Medium Sized" bag of Peanut Butter M&M's. (by "Medium Sized" they mean 5 lb bag... fyi...) And, I haven't exercised once. Praise God for Brian Cherney. (For many reasons, but) He has agreed to kick my butt if I don't start doing something about this. The other challenge for me is a bigger deal. I need everyone's help with this one. My walk with Jesus has been very "blah" for the last few months. I still believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior. I'm still humbled to think that God loves me so much and is so rich in mercy that He sent His son to pay a price that I couldn't, in order that I could once again come before Him. Are you kidding me? That's almost unbelievable! Praise God it isn't, right? Think about it...

The past couple of months have been some of the best of my life. I married the woman of my dreams. Karin is truly a gift! God is so present and at work in this woman. She is going to blossom into one of the truly great ones. I guarantee it. We moved into our new, beautiful home in a very diverse neighborhood where I know God is going to use us to bring His light to our wonderful neighbors. We got a puppy. His name is Samson. He is great! There is so much to be joyful about. And I am. In fact, I've spent much of the last few months thinking what a great job I've done creating this wonderful world. When people ask me about LDI, I get excited to talk about the classes I'm taking and teaching, and the mentoring I've been a part of. All great things, right??? The problem has been I don't talk about how much closer I feel to God. How I feel I am working toward sanctification in my daily walk. Even worse, I know I'm not trusting God right now.

As I'm writing this, I desperately want (more than anything) to move closer and closer to God every single day. I've been in this rut of entitlement for a while now. I hate it. I hate sin. I rest in the fact that God is more than enough and that God is bigger than sin and can get me through this place in my life. Pray for me, please. So many of you have been huge supporters/encouragers of me for so long. I'm humbled... and so grateful! Thank you! Pray that I would seek God first for joy and fulfillment. Pray that I would be a godly husband to Karin. That I would walk strongly with her, gracefully challenging her to place her trust in Christ alone!

God is so good! This new year does bring great hope. God's word tells us that everyday we're a new creation. There is no greater hope than that. There is no greater hope than the hope we have in an eternity with Jesus!

Happy New Year!

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